So I spent the day with my mother.
I hadn't seem my mother in longer than I care to admit, and the last few times I did see her were rocky. And as I've written about here before, we couldn't even talk on the phone without conflict popping up when I least expected it, although since she moved into assisted living she's been more mellow (but in that mellow state we've had only the briefest of conversations).
Last night my sister prepared me for a mother who was if anything worse--older, grumpier, and not the least bit mellow. That is NOT the mother I met this morning and spent the day with. She was chipper at breakfast, kidding around with her table mates. She asked me to take her for a walk outside, and then to the bible study that was going on when we came back in. (She lives in a Lutheran facility and a pastor is around quite frequently). She definitely shows age related memory deficits--certain things she asked me over and over--but she is not as far as I can tell suffering from serious dementia.
She looks better than I expected, too. My sister said she'd gained a lot of weight--and she has, but not as much as I had envisioned. She's confined to a wheel chair, and she has to have oxygen sometimes. She doesn't wear her teeth (but she never DID like wearing them, ever since she got full dentures befor my dad died.)But for 83 it's not too bad.
I spent the morning being gobsmacked by the difference between what my sister prepared me for and what I had been expecting based on past experiences and how the reality was just SO MUCH better. We spent a pleasant day talking about old times, and she went out of the building for the first time in maybe more than a year.
Maybe I just caught her on a really good day. But whatever the reason, I am so grateful for this day. So very grateful. I don't know what our relationship will hold in the future; I don't know how her health will hold up, but we've had this day togehter without rancor or recrimination, without complaint about ANYTHING. Maybe it it will remain something we can hold onto as we let go of some of the past.
10 comments:
I'm glad you had this good day, RDM.
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. So happy you got this day--may you get more with her just like it, or even better :).
I'm really glad that you had this day.
Oh, so very glad for you. May the healing, as you mention, go deep....
May I mention one thing I learned from reading disability blogs, and now try to honor with a shift in my speech? It is definitely a big and challenging transition for someone who was able-bodied for most of their life to switch to wheels....But most people who use wheelchairs find the term "confined to a wheelchair" ableist and quite offensive. They point out that it is actually an empowering technology which allows them to navigate the world--in many cases quite independently--rather than, say, being confined to bed.
Thanks for letting me pipe up, and again I am so glad for you.
What a gift.
An answer to prayer...
I would say that in my mother's case "confined" is the appropriate term.
Great news.
i'm glad the visit went well; especially that it went so much better than expected!
I have been reflecting on my inappropriate comment, and your impressively honest and temperate response, and come back to offer my tardy but sincere apologies to you and your readers in the blogging community. You were sharing your feelings about some very deep and powerful stuff, and I unkindly and unwisely tried to turn it into an intellectual debate about disability and language...An important issue to consider, certainly, but this was definitely not the time, place or manner to do so.
Post a Comment