Deep Sadness

My phone rang last night as I was walking into Borders. I didn't recognize the number, but something told me I should answer it. It was my brother, the same brother with whom I haven't talked since the week of my dad's funeral five years ago. He had called to update me on my mother, who, as it turns out, isn't doing very well. When Elder Son and LD#2 were there a couple of weeks ago, she had just fallen. She went to the emergency room and they found nothing amiss, but she was in pain. She has osteoporosis and arthritis and she's always in pain, but this was worse. After everyone left, she went back to the emergency room and was eventually admitted, and after three days, sent to rehab because she was having so much trouble moving around.

Once in rehab she apparently got worse before she got better, but that did earn her an appointment with an orthopedic specialist who found new damage to one of her vertebrae. He wants to do a surgical procedure to cement the vertebra in question to ease the pain. That should take place Monday. Meanwhile, physical therapy has begun to help her regain her strength.

I wouldn't have known any of this if my brother hadn't called. I'm glad he did call, but I feel a bit helpless to do anything. And here is where my guilt kicks in, I guess. I am not inclined to rush down to see her, for complicated reasons. I'm not really sure she wants to see me. Of course she'd say she does, the same way on one level I want to see her. But I always end up upsetting her, no matter how hard I try not to. And I come away in emotional shreds. Is it selfish of me to want to avoid that? Yes, probably it is But is it wrong?

I feel a deep sadness in all this. Sadness for my mother who is dealing with both physical pain and the emotional upheaval of "breaking up housekeeping" to move into a nursing home. Sadness for my family, for the closeness we lack. Sadness for all the "never agains" that inevitably come to mind at a time like this. Just a deep sadness.

Gifts and Talents

A Friday 5 from the RGBPs:

1. Personality tests; love them or hate them?

I've always thought personality tests and aptitude tests and the like are fun. And I think they can be useful. I've taken batteries of aptitude tests at two different points in my life that provided very fruitful insights, and I've worked with Myers Briggs types in different settings for a number of years. But I also know that there is a limit on what any personality test can reveal, and I worry that sometimes people expect too much or think that a test can explain EVERYTHING, and it can't.

2. Would you describe yourself as practical, creative, intellectual or a mixture ?

I think I'm a mixture of all three.

3. It is said that everyone has their 15 minutes of fame; have you had your yet? If so what was it, if not dream away what would you like it to be?

If I have, I haven't known it! My dream would be to write something that would matter to people, that would make a difference somehow, or at least that would be thought provoking.

4. If you were given a 2 year sabbatical ( oh the dream of it) to create something would it be music, literature, art.....something completely different...share your dream with us...

I think it would be either some kind of writing, or perhaps photography, or a combination.

5. Describe a talent you would like to develop, but that seems completely beyond you.

Wanting to develop it assumes that I have it already. But never mind that....I wish I could sing or play an instrument really well. I'm not sure I have any musical ability at all, however.

I am an inveterate doodler, too, and wish I could learn to draw.

Bonus question: Back to the church- what does every member ministry mean to you? Is it truly possible to encourage/ implement?

Every member ministry (or to use the term that is in favor in the Episcopal Church--ministry of all the baptized) is the recognition that all of us are called to minister in the world, not just our ordained leaders. Is it possible to implement? I think it's easier some places than others. In my denomination at least, especially in established congregations, there is sometimes the attitude that the staff is there to do all the ministry FOR the congregation. But I think it is important to encourage the ministry of all.

A whole week?

Can it really be a whole week since I last blogged.? I honestly cannot tell you what I've been doing over the last week to be so busy, but I've only read a few blogs and haven't written anything at all.

Today, however, I had a fun day. Two friends from seminary are visting and we went to the Point Farthest Out in the Ocean from here. We went to the National Seashore and walked on the beach and then went into town and had a lovely lunch overlooking the harbor, and the walked around and shopped a little bit (fudge, Crocs and a frisby, all for the Kid), stopped in another Quaint New England Village by the Water, and then came home. The weather was just perfect today --bright and sunny and breezy and not too hot.

Unfortunately I have no pictures because I left my camera at home! How could I go off without my camera?!

Monday morning bird blogging

Books, books, books

A Friday 5 from the RGBPs, on one of my favorite subjects:

1. Fiction what kind, detective novels, historical stuff, thrillers, romance?

~I love fiction, but these days I have trouble picking it and don't read as much as I used to. I like historical novels, and some detective stories (the Julia Spencer Fleming novels featuring a female Episcopal priest, for example). Just good stories.

2. When you get a really good book do you read it all in one chunk or savour it slowly?

~Read it all in one chunk and then if it was really good, start over again. We've ordered two copies of HP7 because the Kid and I will both be wanting to devour it right away.

3. Is there a book you keep returning to and why?

~Lots of them. They feel like old friends--they are comfortable but they can still surprise me, make me think, or just entertain me. I've read Winds of War and War and Remembrance at least 10-15 times. And most of the Madeleine L'Engle books multiple times. And some of Gail Godwin's novels. And all the Harry Potter books.

4. Apart from the Bible which non-fiction book has influenced you the most?

~The Book of Common Prayer. There are others but it is hard to name just one.

5. Describe a perfect place to read. ( could be anywhere!)

~Anywhere comfy--curled up on the sofa or in bed or outside under a big tree or laying on the beach. The only place I can't read is in the car.

End of another week

~A trip to the doctor on Monday resulted in antibiotics for bronchitis and "voice rest" for laryngitis. I'm better, but I still have a cough and I still don't have full voice. I'm generally not sick very often, and I'm impatient when I don't get over it (whatever it is) right away.

~It's very difficult to go to work and NOT talk. Even if I'm just going to do paperwork in my office. It's difficult not to talk in general, and I'm not that talkative a person.

~It doesn't feel like summer here. At least the sun is out today, but it is still cool. We shouldn't be wearing sweaters in the middle of June even if it is New England.

~Which is why I am surprised by the number of people who come here for vacation in June. Do they know what they might be in for? It's not exactly beach weather.

~LD#2 (NSLS) has written movingly on her blog about her trip south to see her grandmother. She and LD#1 have always been good relating to their grandparents. When their paternal grandmother died, it was LD#1 who went to be with here and help out and now LD#2 is stepping up. She has managed to maintain relationships with the "difficult" people in the family, especially her father and my mother. But it is hard for her. Hard for all of us. More to say about this later, perhaps.

~School's out for the Kid. He has a part time job as a dishwasher which he is pretty excited about. And friends to hang out with. Only two more years of high school--yikes!

~As happens all too often on my day off, I have a meeting I need to attend--a luncheon, really. so it's sort of okay. And sort of not....oh well.

~This feels like a very whiny post, and I don't really feel that whiny. Really.

~Have a good weekend, everyone.

Good for you, Massachusetts

The Massachusetts legislature did the right thing today.

Cough, cough, sneeze

I've been coughing and sneezing for 10 days now, in what I had interpreted as an allergy attack brought on by record amounts of tree pollen. I'd actually thought I was better on Friday morning, but Friday afternoon my throat started hurting badly, and by Friday night I couldn't speak above a whisper.

Not being able to speak is a problem when you're scheduled to preach, as I was this weekend. Saturday morning when I was, if anything, worse than Friday night, I called my boss and asked if he could cover for me at the Saturday evening service. And then spent most of the day in bed. I stayed home today, too. I feel much better but I still have no voice, and I'm still coughing. It's quite annoying.

I hated being sick, too, because my friends D and J were here to collect their furry family who had been with us for the last two and a half weeks. J was sick, too--sicker than I was--so it wasn't exactly the best of times around here. But it was still wonderful to see them, and we shared good conversation between coughing fits.

It's way too quiet here now--no people and no animals. It a lovely early summer afternoon here, though. Now if only the stupid cough would go away...

Friday Five~~the getaway fantasy edition

The mission, should you choose to accept it: Pack essentials for a fantasy trip to get away from the hustle and bustle of every day life.

Describe your location, in general or specific terms.

I can imagine several (since this is the fantasy edition)~~ the city, or the big old beach house in a southern state we used to rent when the older kids were little, or my favorite city in Vermont.

What book(s) will you bring?

Harry Potter 7, the next Julia Spencer Fleming mystery, and something from my to-be-read pile.

What music accompanies you?

I don't really have essential music, but pushed to choose it would be classical, and maybe some classic rock.

What essentials of everyday living must you take (as in the health and beauty aids aisle variety)?

I'm vain, so it would be the stuff of my daily routine, and no I'm not going to list it all here, but I pretty much follow the same routine no matter where I am.

What technological gadgets if any, will you take with you or do you leave it all behind?

Camera, cell phone and laptop. Always.

What culinary delights will you partake in while there?

Now that depends on where this getaway is....if I went to the city I would have an eggplant panini at my favorite sandwich shop in the Village and some Thai food from Spice and some Indian food. If I went to the beach in the south that I remember fondly from years past I would have fresh tomatoes and corn on the cob and okra and shrimp and grits. If I went to Vermont I would have pizza from the pizza shop where LD#1 worked in high school and college, and Ben and Jerry's, and iced latte at my favorite coffee shop on Church Street.

Bonus question, what makes for a perfect day on vacation for you?

Nice weather, relaxed atmosphere~~I'm not hard to please; I generally just enjoy being away, wherever I am, and go with the flow.

Dogwoods

Scoundrel outside the window

This is right underneath my feeder--the birds drop a fair amount, and there is usually a squirrel stationed there to seach for tasty morsels. But one afternoon last week I looked out to see the racoon, who normally limits his/her visits until after dark.

Questions, belatedly

Six or so weeks ago Yankee T sent me these questions to answer. And very belatedly, I am going to tackle them.

1. How did your parenting style change from Kid 1 to Kid 4?

~I was a very young 22 when Elder Son was born. I knew that I wanted to do some things very differently than my parents had done (specifically, not use any corporal punishment and be less authoritarian), but really, I was flying by the seat of my pants. By the time the Kid came along I was a seasoned 38-year-old who'd learned the hard way what works and what doesn't. So I guess the biggest change is being more relaxed and more sure of myself. With the older three kids, I let other people convince me that what I was doing wasn't right--so for example, I only nursed Elder Son for six months because the nurse practitioner insisted that he'd be healthier on solids and he lost interest in nursing; I was inconsistent because I got a lot of badgering from my sister and mother about being "too lenient;" with each child I trusted my own instincts more and when I did we were all happier.

~I'm sure that all my kids would say I'm too strict, and I don't think that has changed, although on the hypothetical "strictness" continuum, I would place myself somewhere in the middle: all my kids had chores, had curfews, I had to know where they were going and with whom, they couldn't have friends over without my knowledge (and usually my presence), I didn't allow drinking (unlike some friends' parents) and so forth.

~The biggest difference, I guess, is that for most of the Kid's life, it's just been him and me. There are 11 years between him and his closest sibling (LD#2/NSLS); LD#1 went off to college when he was in kindergarten and LD#2 when he was in 2nd grade. So he's had lots more one-on-one attention which (most of the time) has made things easier than when I was solo-parenting 3 kids.

2. What has been the biggest challenge for you in your ministry?

~I'm an extreme introvert, so making hospital visits or home visits to people I don't know is always a challenge. Being patient with opinions that are STUPID is also a challenge (okay, that sounds really bad but you know what I mean, right? We all have to do it....) Learning to work with my boss continues to be a challenge.

~In my almost two years doing this, I haven't had to deal with any real crises yet; I've always worried that I wouldn't know what to do or say, but I haven't been tested that way yet.

3. If you could live anywhere in the world and money was not an obstacle, where would it be?

~Probably New York City. I love being in the city--the activity, the hustle bustle, the people, the sights. And if money were no obstacle I could work part time or volunteer and take classes or whatever. And if money were really no obstacle I'd probably have a pied a terre in Maine or Vermont, too.

4. What got you started blogging?

~I started reading blogs probably 3 years ago; I've been part of a cyber community/email list for almost ten years, and people there started talking about blogs. I feel into a blogging community populated by academics, mommies, and clergy types quite accidentally and since I have ties to all three of those groups I was hooked. I created my persona "Rev. Dr. Mom" when I wanted to comment on a blog that didn't take anonymous comments. A few bloggers I read suggested to me that I should start my own blog, so a couple of months after I moved here I did, but not believing anyone would actually read it. And I'm still surprised that people do. I've grown quite fond of my blogger community. Isn't funny how you can feel attached to people you've never met f2f?

5. What's your favorite ice cream?

Do I have to pick just one? Yikes. Let me just say that my favorite kind is Ben and Jerry's. As much as I love chocolate, I'm not as fond of chocolate ice cream, but anything with chunks of chocolate or toffee is good, and banana, and peach, and lemon. Last summer Ben and Jerry's had Key Lime Pie which was to die for. Honestly, though, I don't eat "real" ice cream that often.

Any more questions?

Hopes and dreams

From the RevGals, in the month of graduations and movings on...

1. Think back to the time you left High School, what were your hopes visions and dreams for your life/ for the world?

~I grew up during the Civil Rights era, the War on Poverty, the beginning of the women's movement, the end of the war in Vietnam. Always idealistic, I wanted to make a difference in the world. I dreamed of a world where there was peace, and where no one had to live in poverty. I thought a great deal about joining the Peace Corps.

~I also wanted a big family--lots of kids. I had a very idealistic vision of what that would look like, too. And I wanted more education.

2. Have those hopes visions and dreams changed a lot, or are some of them still alive and kicking?

~I still want to make a difference in the world, and I'm still idealistic, but I'm less optimistic about the chances for peace and an end to poverty.

~Personally, my life has been very different from what I would've predicted when I graduated from high school. I've gone back to school twice, and pursued two different career paths. I've lived lots of interesting places and I have wonderful children, but none of it has been the way I would've imagined. And who knows what is to come?

3. Hebrews 11:1 " Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. " Comforting, challenging or frustrating?

~Challenging.

4. If resources were unlimited, and you had free reign to pursue a vision what would it be?

~I've always wanted to endow scholarships--especially for women whose education might have been interrupted and who want to go back to school. And I would like to give two of my alma maters big ol' hunks of money. Lots of money.

~I've also dreamed about buying old houses and making them into nice but affordable apartments for people with moderate incomes. In the city where NSLS lives there are lots of old Victorian houses divided into apartments but they tend to fall into two categories--crappy places run by slumlords or very expensive places. I'd like to make something in between.

~On a personal note, if resources were unlimited I would live some place (probably in the city) where I could work part time and take more classes. I don't know if I want to earn another degree but there are things that I would still like to study, and I do better in classes than on my own.

5. Finally with summer upon us- and not to make this too heavy- share your dream holiday....where, when and who with...

~I would love to spend a summer in Iceland. Or even a winter. And I would love to travel through the British Isles and Austria and Germany. Again, if resources were unlimited...and if I had someone to go with.

~My more realistic but still very good holiday for this summer is to spend some time in Vermont and Maine with family and friends.