Decision

I just sent an email withdrawing from a job search I was in.

I hope it was the right decision. It was a job I was pretty interested in and I was happily surprised last week when I received the letter saying that I had made the first cut. But when the reality of even the possibility of moving sank in, I began to have second thoughts.

Here's the thing: When I started my current position I really thought I would be here until the Kid graduated from high school--about four years all together. But by the end of last summer, the beginning of my 2nd year here, I began to seriously consider moving on sooner rather than later for a variety of reasons. And the Kid doesn't really like it here that much (the location) so it seemed like if I could find a place before he started 11th grade it might work out.

But it takes a long time to find a new clergy position. And I don't have all that much experience. And I'm fairly picky about where I'm willing to live. The Kid has made friends and he has a summer job and he has the classes he wants to take for the next two years planned out and moving seems a lot more complicated than it did a year ago.

And truthfully, I am ambivalent about leaving my current position. My boss makes me nuts most of the time. But I like the actual work I do here. I have a great living situation that would be hard to replicate. I don't think I am doing all I could do here--the question is, will I be able to? (As in, will I be given the opportunity?)

The bottom line is, I don't think I can make a move right now. In my mind it's mostly because I just can't see making the Kid move during his junior year in high school. (I know, LD#1, you had to, but it was different--I HAD to move then, but I don't have to right now. And starting him in a new school is not as easy as it was starting you in a new school).

I hope I am making the right decision for both of us, and for the right reasons. I hope he will make the most of his last two years at a school that has a lot to offer. I hope I can make the most out of my job situation here, and that I'm not unconsciously avoiding the challenge of moving on. Time will tell.

As I thought about this last week at clergy conference and then into the weekend I realized that I have to do something else as well. I have to find a way to make the next two years more than just bearable. Not sure what that means yet--getting away more often? Taking a class somewhere? Still working on that part.

Right this minute

It's a grey and gloomy Friday morning--raining and even a little thunder and lightning thrown in. And since it is Friday, here's a Friday 5 from the RGBPs:

What are you...

1. Wearing
~Flannel pajama pants, a t-shirt, my warm fleece robe and my furry slippers

2. Pondering
~Why I have to go to work today on my day off; what I'm going to preach this weekend

3. Reading
~Commentaries on this week's gospel; Loving the Questions by Marianne Micks; Five Voices, Five Faiths edited by Amanda Millay Hughes (both for small groups at church); Better by Atul Gawande; up next: Changing Light, Nora Gallagher's first novel; Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer (also for a small group at church).

4. Dreaming
~Nothing memorable the last few nights, but we were talking about our liturgical dreams (nightmares?) at clergy conference this week

5. Eating
~Lowfat Eggo waffles and tea.

Thinking Bloggers

Back home again...no beach pictures because it turned cold and rainy yesterday afternoon when we had free time:( So instead I'm catching up on a post I should've done a couple of weeks ago. CCW very kindly named me as a "thinking blogger" and in response I am supposed to:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog).

It's quite difficult to pick just five blogs out of the many I read, because they almost all make me think--that's why I read them. But here are 5 that quickly come to mind. I know that some of these folks have been tagged before, and some may prefer not to respond, but that's okay.

1. Ianqui- at A Ianqui in the Village-not only do I love her great photos of the city I love and her sharp and witty writing, but I also find Ianqui's commitment to lessening her impact on the environment to be inspirational and her political commentary to be right on.

2. Phantom-at Phantom Scribbler-Phantom is mama to two of the world's more precious and precocious children whose conversations she often chronicles. But she is also smart, witty, and a wicked good writer with a way of cutting right to the heart of an issue.

3. Cecily-at and I wasted all that birth control-Another mama of an incredibly beautiful baby, and another writer whose words are not to be missed. Thoughtful, compassionate and hard-hitting all at once and willing to share both her heartbreaks and her hard-won happiness.

4. Deirdre-at On Not Being a Sausage- (and now also at Episcopal Cafe) A New Testament scholar by profession, her wide ranging interests (art, theater, music, politics, current events, birds--to name just a few) and clear insights never fail to fascinate and inspire me.

5. Songbird-at Set Free - Songbird combines pastoral insights with stories of everyday life beautifully as she chronicles her life as pastor, wife and mother--she's a great support and inspiration to many women clergy in her role as one of the contributors tothe Reverend Gal Blog Pals.

It hardly seems fair to leave out so many others...but I'm trying to follow directions here! And thanks, CCW--I'm honored that you named me.

Resort blogging

I'm blogging from my room at an oceanside resort, part of which is the estate of one of the venerable founding families of this area. No, I'm not on vacation, I'm at our annual clergy conference, a three day get away for all the clergy in the diocese. It's only a thirty minute drive from my house, on the same road I live on, but it feels like I'm in a whole other world.

The highlight of the day was spending the afternoon listening to our new Presiding Bishop, Katharine Jefferts Schori. She's even more impressive in person that she is on-line and in print.

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Not a great shot, but I was too far away to get a really good picture, and it was too crowded during the break time to get one. And then I had to crop out those bald heads that were so prominent.

And I spent some time with the first woman elected a bishop in the Episcopal Church ever.

So I've had quite a purple day. Coincidentally I was wearing my new purple shoes :)

Maybe tomorrow I can take some beach pictures during free time.

Finally

Spring comes late where I live (at least in my limited experience here) but finally the last few days it has felt like spring might actually arrive.

My parish (which I've never given a name, but which henceforth shall be known as 'Saint Somebody's') is known in this area for its large garden, which this time of year features thousands of daffodils. They are just beginning to come into their own this spring.

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The star magnolia across the street at the library just burst into bloom as well.

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The forsythia along my driveway is not yet in bloom, but it is getting ready, and the grass in the back yard is beginning to green up. Time to put out the feeders for the hummingbirds and orioles I think.

Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalm 30:5b)

The RGBP Friday Five:

Tell us about five people, places, or things that have brought surprising, healing joy into your life

1. My mother-in-law, Iris who took me in as a daughter and friend, and long after my marriage to her son dissolved, remained my friend. Her irreverent sense of humor and her willingness to embrace whatever life offered with a willingness to make something good of it were immeasurably important to me, and a source of joy and support.

2. When I lived in Iceland, I was always struck by the beauty of my surroundings. Iceland is not a place that is on most people's top 10 lists of beautiful places, but there was something about it that fed my soul--the brilliance of the summer sky, the moss on the rugged hills, the wild flowers, the bright colors houses were painted. Iceland was the first place I lived as an independent (mostly) adult, and it was a good place for me

3. The same thing is true of Vermont. I interviewed for my job there in mid-March, just after a very large snowfall. The day I was being shown around it was bright and sunny and just below freezing--a gorgeous winter day. We drove up a hill and when we reached the top, the lake and the city stretched out before me--breathtaking. I still love that view, and it still speaks to me.

4. Walking the streets of NYC. This surprises even me, given how Iceland and Vermont spoke to me. But I often feel that way in NY, too. My second year in seminary it was my job to get bagels for the student run breakfast bar. I would leave my apartment about 6:45 am and walk the four blocks to the bagel market as the streets came alive. I passed the fish shop where fresh fish were being unloaded, and people walking their pets and kids setting off for school It was all so alive, and I always felt connected to something bigger than myself.

5. My friends. Sometimes I lament that I don't have life-long connections and I lament that I am not closer to my family, but in fact at every stage of my life I have had friends who have been sources of joy even as they have moved in and out of my life. At this point in my life I especially think of J who is perhaps my "oldest" friend and with whom I can reconnect almost instantly even though we see each other only every few years. And I think of D and J whom I met when I was at seminary, and whose friendship has continued to grow since I left there. With these friends I can truly be myself and know that I am accepted and valued, and that is a source of joy and healing.

Because I am not good at following directions, I have a couple more:

6. The day of my ordination to the diaconate, almost two years ago, was a day of special joy and affirmation. I was in a beautiful place; people came from all over to celebrate with me, and when the bishop laid his hands on me to ordain me I was filled with joy, and affirmation of what I was about.

7. And of course, my children who bring joy by their very being.

How long, O Lord?

It's hard to know what to say about yesterday's unspeakable horror at Va. Tech. But I will say this: How many tragedies will it take before we begin to step away from our culture of guns and violence? How many lives lost, needlessly, before we quit defending our "right to bear arms" as inviolable?

"Guns don't kill people, people do." Yeah, right.

If guns were not so readily available, angry people, deranged people, irrational people, mentally ill people, violent people could not so easily kill the innocent around them.

Keeping guns does not make us safer. The "right to bear arms" does not make us safer.

Einstein said, "You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war." I would add that you cannot arm a nation and live in peace.

ETA: Trillwing has a most excellent post on this same topic; check it out.

Nor'easter

~The nor'easter went roaring through here last night. I can usually sleep through anything, but I kept waking up last night to the sound of the wind howling and driving rain hitting the windows and roof. This morning when I woke up I looked out the front windows to see a veritable lake. The rectory is located on a hill behind the church, and there is a wooded area in between. A small stream runs through the bottom of this wooded area, but this morning everything from about a third of the way down the hill to the church office building was under water.

This was taken from half way down my drive:


To show how deep it is, here's the dumpster in the back of the parking lot, near the edge of the woods:


And here's a close up. The door on the far right is the outside door of my office.

Water has long been a issue at the church--it's build on a wetland. But in the almost two years I've been here, I've never seen this much water standing.

In ny backyard a few limbs were down, including one I've expected to fall for a while--no major damage, but I was surprised at the force that these limbs must have fallen with. Some of them were driven into the ground:


And in my side yard, a tree was uprooted. Luckily it was not near the house. But when the yard service guys came to take it down, it took out one of the cedars it was leaning on, which is too bad.



They've been pumping out the lake in the parking lot since early this morning, but so far I can't tell that the water has receded any. Of course all this damage is minor in the grand scheme of things. It's still pretty windy here; I really hope we don't get much more rain.

Rainy days and Sundays

~The wind is howling outside, and it's been raining quite hard for the last few hours. It seems we're having a nor'easter--not typical of April, but then nothing about winter and spring has been typical this year. I'm just hoping the power doesn't go off.

~I didn't go to church today. I can count on one hand the number of Sundays I haven't gone to church in the last 10 years, so it feels odd not to have been there. But I am technically "off" until Wednesday, and it would be even odder to show up. I thought briefly about heading to Nearby City to one of the big churches there for a change of scenery...but honestly when I woke up this morning and saw how grey and gloomy it was, and realized I didn't HAVE to get up, I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

~The weather forecast calls for rain for the next three days. It's funny--when I lived in the city and walked most places I didn't let rain stop me from going out, but here where I have to drive everywhere I'd just as soon stay home when the weather is nasty. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

~When I first joined Netflix I was impressed by how quickly the movies arrived...but now, not so much. And sending them back is even worse--it can take 7-10 days sometimes, and they aren't going that far. I don't know if it's the postal service or what. The result, though, is that this weekend would've been the perfect time to have a stash of videos to watch, but two of my three I'm allowed are in transit--the one that was supposed to be here Friday and the one I sent back last Tuesday. Sigh.

~So I spent most of the day on the couch reading--which is not a bad thing at all. I read mostly non-fiction today, and I realized that I haven't read a really good novel in a long time. Any suggestions?

More about food

~I appreciate all the comments to my recent post about remaining a vegetarian. And I welcome all tips for cookbooks, recipe sites, recipes and so forth--keep them coming!

~I actually have owned the Moosewood lowfat cookbook for a few years (and I've used it!). This week, because Phantom has mentioned it a few times and because this kind of food sounds appealing to me, I bought Olive Trees and Honey; because I love Indian food and a friend uses this cookbook, I ordered Julie Sahni's Classic Indian Vegetarian and Grain Cooking , and I added the cookbook Ianqui recommended to my wishlist at Borders. So I do have some resources to inspire me. I love to eat--why is it so hard to be motivated to cook?

~I did make a big pan of roasted vegetables Thursday night, with mixed success. The okra, sweet potatoes, turnips and new potatoes were pretty good, the beets were so-so, and the eggplant was just awful--so bitter I couldn't eat it. I've roasted eggplant before and it's never been like that so I'm not sure what the problem was. Last night I made black bean soup based on the recipe Julie left in my comments earlier.

~The Kid, however, was invited out last night to eat BEEF. Go for it, Kid.

Friday Five~~All things dental

Two of the RevGals have had dental issues this week, and in their honor, this Friday Five, which I can certainly go with:

1. Are you a regular patron of dentists' offices? Or, do you go
a) faithfully, as long as you have insurance, or
b) every few years or so, whether you need it or not, or
c) dentist? what is this "dentist" thing you speak of?

a. But some history--I grew up going to the dentist sporadically--more in middle childhood and my teen years than earlier--but I always had one or two cavities (I grew up without floridated water and inherited my mother's very bad teeth; my father, otoh, had beautiful straight teeth and never had a cavity in his life!). I never had orthodontia because after my parents paid for my older sister's braces they couldn't afford it again and they reasoned that my teeth weren't as bad as hers. My teeth really suffered over a long period when I had no dental insurance and not much money. Dental treatment was on an emergency basis. When I finally got insurance, I began going faithfully, and I probably helped put my dentists' kids through college because the fillings, root canals, and crowns were many.

2. Whatever became of your wisdom teeth?

The top two were extracted easily when I was in my early 20s. The bottom two weren't through the gums and "out of sight, out of mind" was the prevailing sentitment. (see above about lack on $ and insurance). Coincidentally a couple of years after I started getting good dental care, one of them started to push through the gum. It wasn't painful, but the dentist thought it was problematic and sent me off to the oral surgeon, which leads to question #4.

3. Favorite thing to eat that's BAAAAAD for your teeth.

I used to crunch ice a LOT. Don't do it so much anymore.

4. Ever had oral surgery?

When I went to the oral surgeon to get my wisdom teeth looked at, his verdict was that I had some of the worst "bony impacted" teeth he had ever seen. It seems that when you leave your wisdom teeth in the gums, bone grows up around them. So oral surgery to remove both of them was definitely in order. I have a (probably irrational) fear of general anesthesia, so I asked just to be sedated, but not put to sleep. I did have versed, so I don't remember any of it. I never took the prescription pain meds, just Advil, and I did okay (much to the surgeon's surprise on that one). But my whole lower jaw turned awful shades of blue and purple and green leading some people to ask if they had used a hammer to put me out. And the surgery was just a couple of days before school started so I went back to work looking a little worse for wear.

5. "I'd rather have a root canal than _________________."

Than dental pain. Seriously. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but NOTHING hurts like an abscessed tooth (right, Cheesehead?) Childbirth is a walk in the park in comparison. I have (sad but true) lost count of my root canals but it's more than 5. They have for the most part been tedious but not painful, and the two that were done in response to toothaches were a blessed relief.

Bonus: Does your dentist recommend Trident? No, should he?

Double bonus:

I have two good endodontist stories. The only root canal I had that was painful occured when my very competent dentist could NOT get my tooth completely numb. It hurt so much that he stopped and sent me right over to the endodontist--whose name was Dr. Pain. Well he spelled it Pane, but still...can you imagine being an endodontist and having that name! (That ended with my second visit to the oral surgeon, btw).

2nd story: While I was in seminary, I broke a tooth. I ended up being referred to an endodontist on Madison Ave. who thought he was a comedian and who thought he needed to talk nonstop the WHOLE time he was working. And he wasn't really all that funny. He was also THE MOST EXPENSIVE dentist I've ever been to. Maybe his address should've been a clue? Maybe I was paying for entertainment in addition to a root canal? The final result was that I had another tooth develop an abscess three weeks later, but I had used up all my dental insurance for the year on that one treatment. So I ended up going to the NYU dental school where I had some of the best dental care of my life.

All this reminds me that I need to make dental appointments now....

Ugh

Ants....lots and lots of ants. Thousands of ants. In my bathroom and in the living room. Little piss ants.

If this is a sign of spring, it is one I can do without.

I've put out ant traps but they don't seem to be slowing down the stream of ants much.

Although, all in all I'd rather ants than roaches or spiders.

On my current state of being

The other day NSLS wrote a "100 things about me" post in which she said, "My mom is the happiest I've ever seen her." Me being her mom, it gave me pause, and I've spent some time thinking about that. I'm glad she perceives me as happy, and and it's not that I'm not happy, but I think it would be a stretch to say that I'm the "happiest" I've ever been. I am happy that I am a priest, and I do love many things about my job, my jerk boss not withstanding (and he does have times when he is not so much a jerk, to be fair; you just don't hear as much about them). I love the people in my parish, and I love preaching and teaching and presiding at the eucharist.

But it's no secret to any long-time readers that I am less than enchanted with the place I live. And that I truly loved the last two places that I lived. I was happy at seminary, and I think I escaped a lot of the angst that afflicts many seminarians about being there --being in seminary at all, and at that particular one, in that particular city--all that was good for me, and I knew I was in the right place at the right time. I felt that way when I started my teaching job, too. It was hard, it was a stressful time in so many ways, but it was so good to be there.

And here? Here I've struggled with why I feel unhappy or dissatisfied sometimes, with my longings to be in either of the last two places I lived and loved. I recognize leaving those places as the cost of being able to follow my calling, a price that I knew when I began this journey would be high, but I still miss them. I'm a bit lonely living here. So while I am glad that NSLS (aka LD#2) sees me as being happy, I've pondered what that means about how she perceived me other times. Did I really seem unhappy even when I wasn't? And how does one define or quantify "happy" anyway?

Musing about all this as I showered this morning (honestly I do some of my best thinking in the shower) I came up with some thoughts.

~So much of my adult life I have felt like I had to be in control of things. Almost all of my parenting years, I have been a single parent--either because my spouse was out in a submarine somewhere, or because I really was single. Even the five years I was married to the Kid's father I felt like a single parent much of the time. I started back to school full time when NSLS was 3 1/2 and I've been in school full time or working full time ever since. There have been a lot of good things about that--I've been lucky enough to be able to go to school, to live interesting places, to pursue my interests and I think my kids reaped some benefits from all that. And I tried really hard to make sure that the kids didn't lose out on things--they did their sports and activities and I tried to be involved in what they did. But there was never enough time for everything, and money was always really tight, and the responsibility of it all weighed heavily on me sometimes. And it did make me feel like I had to keep things under control...because if I relaxed too much and things got out of control, where would it all stop? I think this was particularly hard on NSLS when she was in high school and I was not the fun mama at all; I was cranky sometimes, and I was stricter than most of her friends' parents and she didn't like it.

~So what is different now, and why? One thing that has changed since then is that I feel more relaxed. I am truly by temperament a more "go with the flow" person and so it was hard to always have to be the one in charge, the one in control. I only have to be responsible for one kid now, and as he's the fourth one, I can let go of some things more easily (although he might tell you I'm still too strict). I've learned to be more hospitable...I love having visitors now whereas until a few years ago the idea of having non-family members for longer than a few hours sent me into a tizzy of anxiety. I have more time to myself--an important commodity for an introvert like me--which I think makes me enjoy being around people more at other times.

~I've also accepted that a certain level of existential angst will always be there for me. I married at 19 and thought I was all grown up, but ironically, I then spent much of my 20s and 30s wondering when I would feel grown-up: Would it be when I had kids? Or bought a house? Or a bigger house? Or when I got a real job? How would I know? I really expected that at some point I would "arrive," be settled down and that would just be how life was. That's how other people's lives looked to me, but I never seemed to get there. I don't know if this is just me, or if achieving adulthood "sameness" (arriving at the point where you are who and what you will be for the rest of your life) is really just a myth, but in either case, somewhere in the last 10-15 years or so, I gave up that expectation. I live with a certain amount of wondering still about what will be next, and what it all means, and I'm not waiting to "arrive" anymore.

~I'm also surer of what I believe and no longer afraid to express it. For all of my early adult years I worked out my identity in the shadow of pervasive disapproval from my family, especially my mother and older sister. They still disapprove, but I don't care--at least as much--any more. I have friends who like me and appreciate me for who and what I am and that helps a lot. And I've come to appreciate the irony of being the black sheep (well, one of two--but for very different reasons) in my family. There is still a lot of sadness there, but it doesn't make me feel like there is something wrong with me anymore (at least not very often....).

~There are still things I'd like to change about myself and my life...I'd like to be a lot thinner for starters! I've been single for almost 12 years, and while I don't want to "date" and I'm not looking for any kind of relationship, I don't want to grow old alone, so I need to figure out what that means. I wish I could get more done: I have friends who constantly amaze me with the breadth and depth of their interests and activities and the things they manage to do. Sometimes I feel more like a spectator than a doer and I don't always like that. I don't have any great talent or skill, and I think about developing one, but so far I've been more of a dabbler in things. But over all, I am reasonably at peace with who I am. Maybe thats what NSLS sees. And that is a good thing.

Gobbler

I was sitting at the table in the kitchen late this afternoon when I happened to look up and see...

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the biggest turkey I've ever seen (even bigger than Glorvina) walk across the back yard. I grabbed my camera as fast as I could, and took one picture through the window.

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Then I ran outside and followed him across the yard, but he had a pretty good head start. I got this shot of him going back into the undergrowth towards the pond. I wish I could've gotten a better picture; he really was quite striking.

The fruits of my Lenten discipline

Some of you may recall that I became a vegetarian for Lent--or more precisely a more complete vegetarian since I had already quit eating most meat from mammals. So beginning Ash Wednesday I ate no meat, not even pseudo-meat (e.g, Boca burgers, Boca sausage, Morning Star Farms corn dog bites) because I wanted to see what it felt like to be really meat-less. I did eat fish on average once a week. And how did it go, you ask? Very well actually. I only missed meat twice--once at the very beginning of Lent when I really really wanted some homemade chicken noodle soup because I had a cold, and once last week when someone mentioned getting a BLT for lunch (bacon is probably my favorite--disgusting, huh?)

The other truth is that I cooked very, very little over the last six weeks. Nonetheless we ate out far less than we usually do. We ate lots of Lean Cuisine and lots of salad. I ate more cheese and more peanut butter than I normally would. I'm not a big cheese person, so that meant lots of Parmesan (my favorite cheese) in salads and in omelets--I also ate more eggs than usual--but still not a lot, a one egg omelet once or twice a week. We ate frozen pizza (actually quite good frozen pizza: California Kitchens White Pizza is excellent) with salad at least once a week.

You'd think with all the Lean Cuisine and salad I would have lost a few pounds, but alas, it wasn't that simple. I did lose a couple of pounds in March, but the trend did not continue --probably because of the peanut butter and pretzels I snacked on, especially the last two weeks when I was pretty stressed out. And my total lack of exercise.

The upshot of all this is that I have decided for now to continue as a vegetarian. Ianqui mentioned three exceptions to her vegetarianism: The Full Experience, Hospitality, and Survival. Those make a lot of sense to me, and I think those will work for me as well. The hospitality exception will likely be exercised more than the other two.

The Kid, knowing how much I like ham sandwiches and bacon, doesn't think I'll stick to it, but we'll see. The real challenge for me is motivating myself to start cooking again. I would just as soon stick a Lean Cuisine in the microwave, but I'm afraid that while their selection of vegetarian meals got me through six weeks, it might wear thin after a while. The Kid doesn't complain but he probably deserves home cooked meals more often than he gets them. Once upon a time I enjoyed cooking, and occasionally I still do. But on a daily basis, not so much.

Stay tuned for further developments on cuisine at chez Rev. Dr. Mom.

I never imagined what this would be like

Something happened during the first service yesterday that I was totally unprepared for.

First the background: Even if you are not Episcopalian, even if you are not Christian, you probably have heard about the controversy that the Episcopal Church and the Anglican Communion are currently embroiled in. It's a controversy in which sexuality--more precisely, how we respond to and include those among us who are GLBTQ--is the presenting issue, but in which power and authority are at the root. At the end of February the Primates (the bishops and archbishops who are the leaders of the Anglican churches worldwide) met and issued a communique in which they asked the Episcopal Church to do several things, among them to promise not to consecrate any more bishops who were [openly] gay and not to authorize rites for blessing same sex unions. Many of us in the Episcopal Church feel that these requests violate both the polity of the church and our pastoral responsibilities to ALL people. After this commuique was released I preached a sermon in which I said as much. I was careful to place my comments within the context of the scriptures assigned for the day, and I was careful to couch my opinions as just that--MY opinions. I knew that there might be people who disagreed with me, and that was and is okay. After I preached I received lots of good feedback, along with comments from one man who clearly disagreed with me, and with the direction our church and our diocese has taken.

This man is not someone who attends regularly, and I didn't see him again until yesterday. During communion the rector and I share in the distribution of the bread--he takes one side of the rail and I take the other. People coming forward to receive communion are directed to fill in along the altar rail from one side all the way across to the other, so which priest one receives from depends entirely on the traffic flow. Yesterday I was standing waiting for people to reach my side of the rail (sometimes things get a bit bottled up and there's a lag) when I saw the man in question coming forward with his wife. As luck would have it, the next open space was directly in front of me, but he turned and walked in the other direction. His wife gestured for to him to go the other way but he shook his head; the usher tried to direct him the other way but he refused. Yes, he refused to receive communion from me.

It was just a fluke that I witnessed what had happened. If I hadn't been waiting for people to catch up after a lag in traffic I never would've noticed, and perhaps it has happened before without my being aware of it. But I saw the whole thing and it was really obvious to me if to no one else what was happening. And I was stunned. Tears sprang to my eyes though I quickly blinked them away.

This kind of action is not unprecedented, sadly. Some of the Primates refuse to take communion in the presence of our Presiding Bishop--some because she is a woman, some because they disagree with her theology and her stance on the controversial issues. Some bishops in the Episcopal Church refuse to take communion with some of their brother and sister bishops for the same reasons. And I knew that there are people in the wider church who would not receive communion from me as well. But I never expected, never imagined that it would happen at my own parish or that I would experience such a visceral reaction if it did.

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last 24 hours. It hurts my feelings of course, but that really isn't the main issue. There is a piece of church doctrine agreed upon eons ago that says the validity of the sacrament is not dependent upon the worthiness of the priest. That means that no matter what a miserable sinner I the priest am, the eucharist is still the eucharist. And it is sad, tragic even, for us to let politics, power plays and theological disagreements subvert that.

Since its inception in the 16th century, since the Elizabethan Settlement that set the parameters for what the Church in England would be like, the Anglican Way has been the via media, the middle way, a way that has always been construed to be broad, with room for people with a diversity of theological opinions and liturgical practices. The glue that has held us together is our prayer and sacraments. If we could come together for that, we could be a church, a people of God. Now it feels like we are losing that. And that is incredibly sad to me.

It was worth it

Our Easter Vigil was wonderful. Just wonderful. Sure, there were a few small things that could've gone more smoothly but really, it was a great service and very well received. All the hard work of the last week or so was definitely worth it.

AND my boss thanked me. Publicly. In church. It's really not all about me, but still, it was very nice that he did in fact notice that much hard work had gone into preparing for the liturgy.

I am very tired, but in a good way. And we have two services tomorrow.

May those of you who celebrate Easter have a very blessed one.

April 6

~Today is Good Friday. Holy Friday. I've never liked the name "Good Friday;" even as a kid I didn't like it. But I do like the liturgy--it's somber and reflective, continuing what was started last night with the footwashing and stripping of the altar, and moving us towards the Easter Vigil tomorrow night.

~I love all the liturgies of Holy Week. This is my second Holy Week as a priest, and I seem to have taken on much of the responsibility of planning the liturgies and working out all the details (of which there are many). I want to be careful about complaining about this, because in fact it is something I am very happy to do. But, oy! There is SO much to think about. I've been feeling a bit annoyed with my boss this week because he has time to do things like go to diocesan clergy gatherings (which I skipped because I had too much to do) and get massages and sit in his office and read the newspaper while the rest of us are working extra hours to take care of the details. I guess that's what it means for him to be the boss. And I've been asking myself what it is I would like him to be doing? Finally this morning it hit me--I would just like for him to acknowledge how hard all the rest of the staff is working instead of just basking in the appreciation when things come off well. And I'm not sure he realizes how hard we're working.

~It's cold here. We haven't gotten the snow that some of New England has gotten, but snow showers are forecast for tomorrow. I'm not really surprised that it's cold here--I have pretty low expectations for April--but last weekend was so nice that I was hoping it would continue. The sun is shining today after several days of gloom, and that is nice. There are a few daffodils beginning to poke up but it's still pretty bare here.

~Seventeen years ago today I met the Kid's father. I've not blogged about him, and I don't know if I ever will, but for some reason I thought of the date this morning.

~Five years ago today my father died. By coincidence I was at this church when I heard the news that he was slipping away. I was there for a class, but I went into the church and lit a candle and prayed before leaving. I still remember the incense-infused fragrance of the church and the still peace there that morning. I wrote this post about my father on this day last year. I'm still thinking of him.

~ I have a suet feeder hanging on side of the garage for the woodpeckers, and downy and hairy woodpeckers do frequent it. But the whole time I've been writing this post, I've been watching a very large squirrel get a running start on my patio, scale the side of the garage and leap onto the feeder to nibble the suet. And squirrels aren't even supposed to LIKE plain suet. This squirrel is not very intimidated by me opening the window to shoo him away, either.

~I have lots of birds in the yard this week. I think my most favorite thing about where I live is watching the birds.

~I treated myself to a "day off" breakfast (spinach omelet, grilled tomatoes and toast) but in fact, I do have to go to work because we have two services today and I still have much to do to be ready for the Vigil tomorrow night. So off I go to shower and get dressed.

~Hope everyone has a blessed Pesach, Easter, or spring festivus of your choice!