Ch-changes, they are a-comin'

Woman Warrior leaves for Nepal in just a little over three weeks. The Kid has a folder full of paperwork to fill out for college apps, letters of recommendation, and yearbook stuff. I'm discerning where my next position might be. Life is changing so fast my head is spinning.

Of course, life is always changing...what's that old saying? Nothing is so constant as change? But somehow it is hitting me harder right now than usual. I was laying in bed the other night and it suddenly hit me how soon it was that the Kid would be leaving. And when a planned family get-together before WW left didn't work out, I took it worse than I might have other times, because it is getting hard and harder to gather us all in one place, and I just don't know when it will happen again.

And maybe small things are looming large for me right now because of the enormity of the changes that are coming. Here's the thing. I've never lived alone. I've had at least one kid at home for close to 34 years. While no one could ever accuse me of being a helicopter parent, and I've enjoyed the brief periods I've had when all the kids were away, their presence was still always palpable in the house, and they were never gone more than a few weeks (and rarely that long). I never thought that I would worry about being an empty-nester. Nonetheless, realizing that this stage of my life--being a mother with a kid at home--is about to come to an end gives me pause. I've had that identity longer than I've done anything else in my life.

Here's another thing--one I've never really talked about here. I've been single for 13 years, and I've not had a single date. Not one. Not that I've tried very hard. When I first separated from the Kid's father I thought about it--strategized with my therapist even about what it would take to find another relationship. But I was always bad at dating, and it was too much effort somehow to try and as time passed I thought about it less and less. But now, when I think about growing old alone, it makes me kind of sad. When I see people my age with partners, people to share their lives, I feel a little envious. On the other hand, I've lived on my own so long, I'm not sure what it would be like accomdating another person, learning to live with someone (other than my children). So I feel ambivalent, too.

And finally, at some point in the next year and a half I will be moving someplace new. I've done it lots of times, I know how to move, to pack, to settle in, to learn about a new place. But this is the first time I've ever done it all alone. I don't have to think about schools, or where I'll be when the bus comes, or kids' activities. That ought to be freeing, but it doesn't really feel that way right now. Of course, I'll be excited to go to a new place, and hopefully it will be one where I'll feel at home, and have a position I'm excited about. But it will be very strange not to share it with anyone.

So I have to mentally prepare myself for all these changes--I need to look for all the positives. And there are many. And my kids will still be around. And maybe I'll get a dog. Or who knows, maybe I'll even go on a date. But right now, it all seems a little be overwhelming.