Deep Sadness

My phone rang last night as I was walking into Borders. I didn't recognize the number, but something told me I should answer it. It was my brother, the same brother with whom I haven't talked since the week of my dad's funeral five years ago. He had called to update me on my mother, who, as it turns out, isn't doing very well. When Elder Son and LD#2 were there a couple of weeks ago, she had just fallen. She went to the emergency room and they found nothing amiss, but she was in pain. She has osteoporosis and arthritis and she's always in pain, but this was worse. After everyone left, she went back to the emergency room and was eventually admitted, and after three days, sent to rehab because she was having so much trouble moving around.

Once in rehab she apparently got worse before she got better, but that did earn her an appointment with an orthopedic specialist who found new damage to one of her vertebrae. He wants to do a surgical procedure to cement the vertebra in question to ease the pain. That should take place Monday. Meanwhile, physical therapy has begun to help her regain her strength.

I wouldn't have known any of this if my brother hadn't called. I'm glad he did call, but I feel a bit helpless to do anything. And here is where my guilt kicks in, I guess. I am not inclined to rush down to see her, for complicated reasons. I'm not really sure she wants to see me. Of course she'd say she does, the same way on one level I want to see her. But I always end up upsetting her, no matter how hard I try not to. And I come away in emotional shreds. Is it selfish of me to want to avoid that? Yes, probably it is But is it wrong?

I feel a deep sadness in all this. Sadness for my mother who is dealing with both physical pain and the emotional upheaval of "breaking up housekeeping" to move into a nursing home. Sadness for my family, for the closeness we lack. Sadness for all the "never agains" that inevitably come to mind at a time like this. Just a deep sadness.