This is an edited version of a post that has been sitting in my draft folder for more than a month, and floating in my head for longer than that....
For all of my adult years I have struggled with feelings of incompetence, with fears of not measuring up, with the "imposter syndrome," with, as Phantom Scribbler would put it, the whole inadequacy schitck. Years of therapy and self-reflection have given me some insights into why I feel this way and experiencing some measure of success in what I've attempted has eased this a bit, but these feelings still linger somewhere just below the surface, ready to bubble up into my consciousness. I can still remember how it feels to be afraid to offer an opinion, sure that it is worthless, that something I think must be stupid, to be sure that I'm going to mess up somehow, that I'm bound to fail. And I still have my mother to remind me at least once a year that I'm selfish, that I don't really "get it", that if I were really any good as a psychologist/priest my life wouldn't be such a mess (she never uses those exact words, but that is the gist).
Recently, these feelings have been complicated by a new twist: what I can only describe as a fear of feeling too competent. As much as I want to be a good writer and a good preacher and a good teacher, I squirm a bit when people compliment me on sermons or on something I've written for the newsletter or on a class I've led. I love the affirmation but I somehow feel like I shouldn't. When does confidence in one's abilities cross the line into conceit? If I feel good about my abilities, do I risk overlooking my weaknesses, the places where I need to change? Am I really "competent" or am I just fooling myself and others? (ah... there's that inadequacy schtick rearing its ugly head again.) I wonder, too, how much my struggles with feeling competent and confident are gender based? Do women worry more about these things? Or is this just my particular neurosis?
Why can't I just relax and feel good about what I do well without all the angst?
7 comments:
Being true to yourself and giving yourself permission to be you and not what others might expect or what you think others expect.
Know thyself and be free to work from the heart will relax you to do your best work.
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I know that's something I struggle with too. I often feel like I'm on the edge of failure when I'm really doing just fine. I get so overwhelmed with what other people think that I lose the big picture. I think it is hard to strike a balance between having confidence and understanding your strengths and being humble when those strengths are recognized. I feel you.
But how can you feel inadequate when you're receiving heavenly comment spam???
I think anyone who struggles with confidence issues would be hard pressed to ever reach the conceit stage. So revel in feeling good about your abilities, and take the compliments for what they are, affirmations that you have done a great job.
I agree with chichimama - if you are concerned with seeming conceited odds are that you will never allow yourself to be that way.
I think women, in general, have a difficult time accepting praise. Something about society making men the "stronger, outspoken" sex often leaves women second guessing their genius.
In my experience, people who appear conceited are actually feeling inadequate and have the need to bolster themselves. I don't think self-confidence leads to conceit at all.
I still squirm at compliments -- even though I tell myself not to. I do think it has something to do with being a woman in our culture -- and that whole caretaking thing. Somehow it feels selfish to think highly of ourselves. That's a hard message to overcome.
I agree with what others have said.
Do you think it may have something to do not just with gender, but with the Christian call to be humble?
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