Catharsis

~I mentioned earlier that I had a long session with my clergy coach on Monday. We always touch on practical things--tips on preaching, how my discernment/job search is going, and the like--but honestly, one reason I value this relationship so much is that my coach is someone whom I trust and with whom I can be absolutely honest about how I feel about what is going on in my job. And I know I can trust him to be honest with me, and to call me on it when I am overreacting or misperceiving a situation. So Monday I dumped a whole lot of stuff about what has been going on. Some of it he'd heard before, but some of it was new. And it felt really really good to let go of all of it.

~The subject of empowerment (and the lack thereof) came up. Empowerment has been an issue in my life before, and I've worked hard on it. So it is all the more disconcerting to find myself in a place where I am being systematically disempowered. And it's not just my imagination. Having that last point affirmed was very helpful to me. I can work myself around to a point of wondering if somehow this dysfunctional relationship is all my fault, and that's not a good place to be. I'm sure I'm not blameless--things are never that simple--but it's helpful to hear from someone else with far more experience than I have that this is NOT how things should work.

~I doubt that there is really much I can do to change the dynamics at work rigth now. My task is to do my job the best I can AND not let myself fall into unhealthy patterns --and there are so many ways that could happen. I've had some new insights about that this week, and I feel in a little bit better place. I hope I can hold on to that as we move through this busy busy time of year, and get into the sabbatical planning, which frankly feels a littel bit like walking through a minefield. We'll see.