Existential angst

This week marks my one year anniversary in my current position. It's been a pretty good year, overall, and I'm still happy to be here. But during my vacation (most of August) and since I've been home, I've been experiencing some existential angst.

Part of it, I know, is just realizing I've been here a year. I've moved often enough to know that at the year milestone I have to readjust myself somehow. I'm not "new" anymore; I have no excuse for not knowing how to get around or who people are. But I'm not "seasoned" either--I really haven't had time to learn everything I need to know about a place. And inevitably at the one year point I realize (again) that all my friends are somewhere else--not only have I moved (again) but I'm slow to make friends in most circumstances, and my job makes it even harder to have real friends as opposed to people I am friendly with.

Another factor is missing other places I love. Every time I go back to Vermont, I get homesick. I really loved living there, and at one point I thought I'd live there forever. I can't be sorry I left, because I wouldn't give up having gone to seminary, or living in NY, or all the friends I've gained, or the work I do now, but oh, I do still miss Vermont. And I miss being closer to my grandchildren and my daughters. I love spending time with Little Miss J and Baby M, and they are just far enough away that I can't go for just a day. It does help that I am closer to my other favorite place, and can hop on a train to the city almost any time I want to, but if I had the opportunity to move back to Vermont, I think I'd jump at the chance.

Then there's my job. I'm not unhappy, and I think things are going well for the most part, but it is lonely sometimes. I'm grateful for colleagues, both in real-life and in cyberspace, and for my clergy coach, because there are aspects of where I am that are very challenging, both in positive and negative ways.

And part of it is just me. I never planned to live my life this way, but I've ended up as a bit of a tumbleweed. I've always had one eye on the present and the other on the next thing to come, and that almost always involved being somewhere else. The one exception was when I moved to Vermont to take my tenure track job. I quickly fell in love with the place; the next thing to come was tenure but it would mean staying, not leaving.  Of course, the huge irony is that at the same time I got tenure I was discerning my call to become a priest, and that did mean leaving, at least for a while. And now it's not clear if I can go back, at least in the forseeable future.

Lest this come across as whiney, I'm not meaning to whine, and I'm not unhappy. More reflective, and perhaps a bit wistful at times?  I know this is part of my process of being in a new and different place, and it's not a bad thing. And honestly, I can't imagine what it would be like to have always lived in the same place. I'd bet that creates its own angst.

Friday Five~~Storms of life edition

The east cost has been riveted on Hurricane Earl this week, and in that light:

1) What's the most common kind of storm in your neck of the woods?

Snowstorms and nor'easters of the rain or snow sort. And truthfully, having had to do both, I'd much rather prepare for a blizzard than a hurricane.

2) When was the last time you dealt with a significant power outage?

The last place I lived (one right in the track of Earl) was prone to power outages; the old oak trees that lined the road I lived on not only made it lovely but were also likely to blow down with every big storm, taking power lines along. At least three times in the four years I lived there we were without power for 24-30 hours. And I guess I'm a little slow (or overly optimistic) because I was never really prepared.

3) Are you prepared for the next one?

Eh. I have a good flashlight/lantern and plenty of candles. I have a corded phone, which I learned was a necessity when I lived through the Great Blackout of 2003 in NYC.  I try to keep my cell phone and laptop charged. But I don't keep extra food or water in the house as a general rule.

4) What's the weather forecast where you are this weekend?

It was supposed to be rainy tonight, but as Earl has gone further west than originally forecast, I'm not sure we're actually going to get much rain at all. It is a little breezy now, and supposed to be windy tomorrow and sunny. Thankfully the stretch of 90+ degree days seems to be at an end, too!

5) How do you calm your personal storms?

Stew for a while, think about the situation from all angles, talk to a friend, and then try to let go of it.

Friday Five~~Dog days of summer

Hard to believe that summer is starting to wind down; I'm on vacation this month and all too aware that when I get back to work, fall will be upon us! So here's to summer:

1. What is the weather like where you live?

I love summer in New England, but this has been a hot and sticky one (hello, global warming!) I've been in Vermont all week where it has been very pleasant, and I'm going on to Maine in a couple of days, where I'm hoping for more of the same.

2. Share one thing you love about this time of year.

Just one?  I love the fresh vegetables, long days, cool nights, time off with family, a (slightly) slower pace.

3. Share one thing you do NOT love about this time of year.

Humidity.

4. How will you spend the remaining days leading up to Autumn?

I am on vacation until August 29, and I'm trying really hard not to think about work right now. But I know that when I get back I will need to hit the ground running--the September calendar is already way too full!

My vacation so far has been a few days in the city, and a week in Vermont. Next up is a week in Maine. The Kid has to go back to work after that, but I still have another week off (what to do then is yet to be determined.) Besides visiting family I've been reading and trying to get back to photography which I've really neglected for the last year.

5. Share a good summer memory.

Sweet Baby J isn't so much a baby anymore!

Spending time with my two adorable grandchildren.

Baby M is almost 1!

Bonus: What food says SUMMER to you?

Nothing says summer like a fresh vine ripe tomato, and fresh sweet corn on the cob.

Itsy bitsy spider (web)

Friday FIve~~Love the one you're with

I haven't done a Friday Five in forevah...I'm not off on Fridays anymore, and I tend to not think of it when I get home from work. But I'm doing this one quickly on my lunch break. 

Name five things you like about where you are living now... and as your bonus - 1 thing you don't like.

As of Thursday, I've lived here 11 months, so I'm a relative short timer here...

1. I like that I am on a commuter rail line to the city. It's a mere two minutes to the train station and then about 2 hours on the train--not bad at all! (although I wouldn't want to do it on a daily basis!)

2. I like the house I live in...built in 1876, it's fairly modest by Victorian standards, but quite spacious to me, and just suits me. 

3. I like my commute: out the door and across the lawn, and I'm there! And so far, the congregation has been very respectful of my privacy. 

4. I like that (contrary to the last place I lived) I can drive 20 minutes in any direction and find anything I might need. Target, WF, TJ's, Ikea, and the like all fairly close by (the minus is also the 20 minute drive...but you can't have everything, right?)

5.  I like that I am close enough to a major university with a divinity school (25 minutes or so) to take advantage of its offerings, as I did earlier this summer when I took two great classes. 


Bonus:  I dislike that although this is technically a "blue" state, in my area people are generally MUCH more conservative than I am. I don't think everyone needs to agree with me, but I find that I have to be pretty careful about voicing opinions (I avoid politics at work as a general rule, but outside of work as well...) and I hear some pretty outrageous comments from time to time. It kind of wears on me after living in 3 places that were by and large pretty liberal. 

Sweltering...and other random bits of "yes, I'm still here!'

So for the first time since I started blogging almost 5 years ago, I went a whole month without posting anything at all. Not intentionally, really. It's funny how I think I have a routine going, and then I look up one day and it's totally changed. Blogging used to be how I spent my evenings, reading and writing. And then came FB and my time was divided between the two, as were my cyberfriends. And then I started watching more tv shows on-line, especially since the Kid went off to college, so time was divided between that and FB. And fewer and fewer of the old "gang" of bloggers I felt part of are writing, and I suddenly realized I was going days without ever checking the blogs. And so it goes...

The latest piece of my routine to morph is that the Kid convinced me that I should watch Lost on netfix. Mind you, the whole six years it was on the air I never saw but one episode, from season 4 I think, and I so totally didn't get it that I never went back. But I started from the beginning this time,  and b/c it is on netflix I can watch one episode after another. In fact, in the last month I've watched three seasons, and I'm a third of the way through season four. Yeah.

 Oh, the sweltering part?  I went to the city Sunday after church to see the Kid who is working there this summer. Hot town, summer in the city and all that. Came home on a midday train--it's hotter here than it was there--103 when I got here. I don't use my central a/c if I can help it, but today seemed like it might be a good time so I turned it on. And the temperature has not budged a single degree. No repair person available until tomorrow. Sigh. Hopefully it will cool down enough tonight that fans will suffice.

Hot as it was, I loved being in the city for a couple of days. I've been in twice this summer, not to do anything special necessarily, but just as a getaway. The Kid is staying with friends while he works there this summer, and this time he and I went out to eat at a couple of favorite places, walked around in Brooklyn Sunday night, avoided the fireworks crowds,  and spent yesterday afternoon at the Museum of Natural History where it was cool. And crowded. Coolness was at a premium, I guess :) but it was okay. 

Vacation is in a month! And I am really ready for it.  Spending time in Vermont and Maine is always the best part of summer!

Work is good. I'm in such a better than this time last year in so many ways, but that is probably subject for another post.

So what's new with you?  Anybody still stopping by?

A Sermon for Independence Day

The Sixth Sunday after Pentecost

July 4, 2010  Independence Day

Matthew 5:43-48

"But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven. . . Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

Today’s gospel, the one set in the lectionary for Independence Day, comes from one of my favorite parts of scripture—the Sermon on the Mount, that long discourse in Matthew’s gospel where Jesus lays out for his audience just what it means to be a disciple. For me, it is truly a handbook for being a Christian. Not everyone views it that way, of course. Figures as illustrious as Martin Luther have argued that the Sermon on the Mount puts discipleship out of the reach of ordinary people by setting an impossibly high standard for behavior, what with the “turn the other cheek” and “love your enemies” and “do not store up for yourselves treasure on earth.” I prefer to think of it as setting the bar high; as giving us an ideal to strive for: being perfect as our heavenly father is perfect.  And although we could spend our time lamenting that of course we will never be perfect, or excusing ourselves by saying that since we will never be perfect we may as well not try, it seems to me to be more profitable to strive for becoming more like the God who created us than to dwell in the ways we fall short.

There is no doubt that Jesus does set high standards for us. He begins the portion of the Sermon on the Mount from which today’s gospel is drawn by claiming that he has come not to abolish the law and the prophets but rather to fulfill them, and then he outlines a number of different ways that his followers are called to go beyond what the law would demand in their relationship with others. It’s easy, he concludes, to care about the folks we like, but if we are to enter into God’s kingdom, we must also care about those we DON’T like, and the ones who don’t like us. No small task, that.

Jesus is not the only one to set high standards. The founders of our country did so as well, and as we celebrate our Independence Day we do well to recall just what those standards are:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

In a society in which the divine right of kings was largely unquestioned, in which there were clear social hierarchies and in which power was invested in those with means, these ideals were, like the injunctions in the Sermon on the Mount, almost impossibly out of reach.  And the rich irony is, even the author of these words and the endorsers of the declaration from which they came applied them selectively. Most of the signers of the Declaration of Independence owned human slaves. It took almost 100 years before black men in America were accorded the right to vote and close to another 100 years before it was safe for them to do so. And although women asked for the vote in 1848, they didn’t receive it until 1920, almost 150 years after those words were enshrined in the founding document of our country.

The founding fathers, you see, were defining “all men” as “people like me.” To be fair, they were no different from the major philosophers, theologians and scientists of the day in believing that white males were the epitome of creation, and white males were the group they defined as “all men.” The beauty of what they wrote, of the principle they established, however, is that it is expansive and inclusive enough to take in all of humanity, as we come to grasp that humanity is not limited by gender or race or orientation or any of the others human categories we use to make sense of the world. Just as we must care about those whom we don’t like, so too must we uphold the rights of those who may not be just like us.

And though we’ve made great strides, we still struggle with both standards. We seek to include all of humanity under the umbrella of liberty and justice, even as we nit-pick and argue about how to do so. And we labor as well with loving those we really don’t like—loving our enemies, loving those who don’t see the world we do, loving those whose desires for us are not always good ones.

But love them we must. Care about them we must. Because God does—God loves each and every one of us without prerequisite. God makes the rain to fall on the just and unjust alike.  And our call is to be perfect as our heavenly father is perfect.

We won’t make it, of course, not in this lifetime, just as this great nation will not live up to its ideals of liberty for all. But that’s no reason not to try, not to strive to be the people we are called to be. As a nation that means endeavoring to be true champions of justice and beacons of equality; it means welcoming the tired, huddled masses who yearn to breathe free; it means defending the rights of the least among us.

And as followers of Jesus, children of God, it means aiming always to live into the image of God in which we were created; it means turning the other cheek when we’d rather fight back; caring for others who might not care for us in return; giving to other when we’d rather hoard for ourselves; it means loving God and our neighbor and putting that love ahead of everything else.

Easy?  Not at all! But think about this: We do this for the God who created us to delight in us and who loved us enough to become incarnate among us, to live and die among us, to take on our pain and our suffering. We do this for the God who continues to love us beyond measure even we when we are utterly unlovable. We do this so that the Kingdom of God might flourish now and forever. Is that not reason enough to try?

Amen.

Look! Babies!

I think there are three babies; I'm still working on getting better pix...if you click on the last one you can see little open beaks waiting for papa to feed them.

Optimism

~I put out grape jelly and oranges for orioles today; now to see if any orioles pass by this way!

Random bits of Monday

~For the third weekend in a row, the weekend was jam packed with extra work-related stuff. It's all been good, but exhausting. This weekend was the busiest of all, with consecration of our new bishop, which was awesome, and a reception to meet a visiting bishop from a South American diocese with which we have a mission relationship. 

~I miss having two days a week off. And two days in a row would be even better. But I don't see it happening.

~Although I accept friend requests on FB from parishioners, I think I may have to stop actually looking at their pages. I really don't want to know if they happen to be fans of Glen Beck. Argh.

~I went to Borders this afternoon, and everywhere I turned there were books about "doomsday" in America. Get a grip people. We survived 8 years of GWB. I didn't expect this kind of hysteria now. It's scarry!

~For the first time in about 15 years I live in an area where a significant proportion of the population is more conservative than I--much more conservative in some cases. Didn't expect that in New England. And don't really like it. I mean, I can be friends with people who disagree with me politically, but some of the stuff I hear is over the top.

~I made Ianqui's Balsamic Brussel Sprouts tonight and they were delicious!

~Last week I bought a new scale. And weighed myself for the first time in at least 3 years. On the one hand my weight was only a couple of pounds more than last time I weighed, which I suspected because my clothes still fit, but on the other hand, I weigh the most I ever have. Sigh. I've been trying to eat intentionally and healthily this week, but I need to work harder and try to shed some pounds.

~And that will mean exercise of some sort. Ugh.

~Mama Cardinal is still sitting on her nest.  I can't help but think that it must get boring!

Nesting

 Can you see her?  Mama Cardinal has a nest right outside my kitchen window. Not a great picture, but taken from inside, looking out into the bush where the nest is hidden away.

ahhhh...

How about this one?

hmmmm.....

So I like this new template, I think, but there are two things messed up that I can't seem to fix...the posts are dated (even though in the layout it says they should be) and the navbar is missing (also seems to be there in on the layout page. The former is bad for the long term; the latter is just annoying because I have to open blogger in a new tab to access my profile. Ick. If I can't fix these, it may be on to another template.

EDITED : Uh, yeah so I fixed the first problem and so mucked up the template trying to fix the second that I am sadly back to the drawing board. Which means, chances are you never SAW the new template now linked to above, which was quite lovely. This is, I think, "above my pay grade."

It's a double-edged sword

So I've been reflecting a bit in odd moments about this state of living-aloneness that I find myself in now. Between FB and blogs, I keep up with a number of clergy-moms* and I find myself thinking about how hard it is to balance it all, especially in this wow-it's-busier-than-Christmas week, this week during which (beginning with Palm Sunday and ending today) I presided over 13 services and prepared 7 sermons, among other things. And I'm surprisingly torn in how I feel about it.

I have, after all, been in the single parenting shoes. For most of my parenting years--as a student, as a professor, as a student again, and then as a priest. I KNOW the kind of tight-rope walking that is required to do-it-all, even if you can't ever really do-it-all. I have less experience (sadly, far less) doing it with a spouse/partner. It's tough, either way.

And so I find myself thinking how much easier it is since I only have myself to think about on the home front--no one else's schedule to consider, no one else's meals or laundry or needs to worry about. If I need to stay at work until 10:00 pm to finish bulletins after the Maundy Thursday service, well, who will know the difference? And if I find a morning when I can sleep just a half hour later to prepare myself for the marathon that is Holy Week, I'm not throwing anyone else out of sync.

On the other hand, this week, more than most since I've embarked on living alone, I've missed having someone else around. The mere presence of someone else to keep me grounded, to make me go home at a reasonable hour because there is someone there who needs me or who cares if I'm there. Selfishly perhaps, I've wished more than once this week that there was someone else to get groceries, to make sure there was dinner cooked when I got home late, just to say "glad you're home."

After the last service today, the marathon run (successfully, I might add), the bulletins recycled, the lights out, the door locked, I needed a nap more than anything. And I took one--a long one, grateful that I didn't need to worry about dinner for anyone. But at the same time, I missed my kids, I missed family, I wished for eggs to dye and hunt, and dinner to eat together, and a collective wow-we-made-it-through-the-week sigh of relief.

It really is a double-edged sword.

*truth be told, this applies to academic moms, too, in a different context; really any working-outside-the-home moms

Yes. We. Did.

Finally passed health care reform!

Of course, it's not the reform we'd really hoped for. It's not the reform we really need--not all of it, anyway. There's no public option. Far too many compromises. But it's a start. A much needed, very overdue start.

And as relieved as I am that it passed, I am almost more grateful that the Democrats in Congress finally got a spine and acted. Come on, people! Stand up for what you believe in!

Finally, message to the mass media: Many of us are GRATEFUL for this health care reform. We welcome having health care reform "rammed down our throats,"(ugh, I am so sick of hearing that!), or more delicately phrased, passed, so pay attention to us, too, not just the naysayers.

Housecleaning

I'm totally bored with the way my blog looks, hence the new template. I'm not completely happy with this one, but blogger doesn't give you many choices. And I need a new picture in my header; the current one captured perfectly where I used to live, but it doesn't fit where I am now.

The other thing I need to do is edit my blog roll. So many of the bloggers on it aren't writing any more, but I hate to get rid of the links. Silly, but I don't like breaking connections literally or figuratively. But life does go on, and people move on, and that's that.

Meanwhile, the sun is trying to peak out here, and it's windy and cold. Very much like March--and how did it get to be March already?

I am so glad it's not this time last year.

Lenten Discipline

Taking on a Lenten discipline is something I preach about every year. I write about it in the newsletter and in our special mailing for Lent. I provide materials meant to support such disciplines. Yet I am terrible at maintaining such a discipline myself. Oh, from time to time I manage something; in 2003, along with several of my seminary classmates I gave up sweets, especially chocolate. In 2007 I finished my transition to becoming a vegetarian by giving up eating chicken (and didn't resume at the end of Lent), and in 2008 I gave up Diet Coke. But last year my Lenten discipline--which I actually spent more time thinking through than usual--was a spectacular FAIL. Half way through Lent I publicly acknowledged that it just wasn't going to happen. And given my stress level last year, that may have been the healthiest choice.

Nonetheless, I feel a little hypocritical about the whole thing, and so this year I resolved to do better. Only then Ash Wednesday came and I was still dithering about what to do. SO when my seminary friend Caffeinated Priest listed a set of spiritual exercises, one for each day of Lent, it seemed like a wonderful idea to take them on myself.

I like these exercises because they are thoughtful and intentional, and they cover a whole gamut of behaviors and practices. Many of them would make excellent practices to adopt regularly. Each of them requires thought. And mostly they don't focus on giving up things.

Intellectually I know that Lenten disiciplines aren't just about giving up something. And if you give up something it should be because it's a healthy choice to make, or because doing so makes your life better or allows you time to spend on other things more important. Not to prove that you can--to yourself or to others--which is how it often ends up feeling, at least to me, and that is just not the point. So this year, I'm not giving anything up for the entirety of Lent. But even though I've gotten a late start (and I won't make lame excuses for that), beginning today I'm going to follow these spiritual practices, and I'm going to try to blog each day on home I'm doing.

Today's exercise is: Read the beatitudes, Matthew 4:25-5:10.

Matthew is my favorite gospel, and the Sermon on the Mount is one of my favorite parts of that gospel, but funnily enough, the beatitudes, which are the opening verses of the Sermon on the Mount are NOT favorites--partly because people are sometimes too glib about them. So I've read today, but I think some rereading and reflection is in order.

Friday Five~~FAB February

1. When February comes along, how do you feel about the coming month?

~It's a meh month for me. Not my favorite, but not my least fave either. When I lived down south, in February I would start to anticipate spring in February, but it is WAY too early for that in New England!

2. What memories do you have about Valentine's Day? Are you doing anything to observe it this year?

~Valentine's Day was fun when I was young enough to decorate my "mailbox" and make valentines for my friends, but as an adult I find it highly overrated, and no, I'm not observing. It used to make me kind of sad, highlighting as it did my singleness, but I'm mostly over that now

3. It is interesting that Monday's "Presidents Day" is not officially called that in every state. It is a U.S. federal holiday entitled "Washington's Birthday." Which is your favorite president and why?

~I remember when Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday were observed on Feb. 12 and 22. Guess I'm officially old.

~It's easier to say my least favorite Presidents (GW Bush, Nixon, Reagan) than my favorite (Obama, I guess,because he comes closer to sharing my liberal ideals than anyone in recent memory, although I think highly of Jimmy Carter, more as a person than as a president).

4. Will you be celebrating Shrove Tuesday or Mardi Gras? How?

~Yes, I will, with a Pancake Supper and Mardi Gras celebration at church. And we'll burn palms to make ashes for the next day, play games, and put away the "alleluias" until Easter. Lots of fun.

5. Any other ways to celebrate in February?

~Not so much. Except for Shrove Tuesday and the beginning of Lent, it's a pretty quiet month.

Okay, about that submarine...

Mibi asked me about the submarine I mentioned in my last post--honestly, it's not nearly as exciting as it could be.

As it happens, TFoMC was in the Navy, and served in submarines--Fleet Ballistic Missile submaines (FBMs or "boomers")to be exact. Which meant, among other things, that he was gone for a stretch of three months at a time, and then on land for three months--on and off, on and off, for a three year sea rotation. Although we were stationed in Rhett Butler's City, his boat tied up farther south in the peach state. So when the boat came in, families would often travel down to meet it and we were invited to come aboard.

Submarines are not spacious quarters by any means. And they smell funky--especially after they've been submerged for close to three months full of sailors who have to take "navy showers." And you have to climb up and down skinny ladders, and go through narrow doors. Frankly, they'd make me quite claustrophobic if I had to be on one for very long. But it was definitely interesting to see how the guys lived, and to imagine what it would be like to be sealed up inside, deep beneath the sea.

At one point the boat (and subs are "boats", not "ships" -- don't ask me why, but submariners are quite explicit about that) came into the base at Rhett Butler's City, and families were invited on for a "dependent's cruise." I was nervous but willing to go, but the weather turned stormy, and the event was cancelled and never rescheduled. Stormy weather doesn't normally phase a sub--they are below it literally--but you have to get out far enough offshore to submerge, and I guess they didn't want a bunch of seasick civilians before they got that far. Honestly I think I was both relieved and disappointed to miss it!

Friday Five~Planes, trains, and automobiles

1) What was the mode of transit for your last trip?

Car--to Vermont at Christmas

2) Have you ever traveled by train?

Yes, often. Trains are my very favorite way to travel, and I take them whenever I can. The longest train trip I've taken was from NYC to Greenville SC, but I'd love to take a cross country train trip someday.

3) Do you live in a place with public transit, and if so, do you use it?

Not in my town, but there is public transit in the region. You can take the bus to nearby Ivy League City (although I'm not sure how convenient it is). And you can get the commuter rail from here to several destinations. You can take the long distance bus from two nearby towns,and you can get Amtrak from Ivy League City. So not bad at all.

I'm pleasantly surprised that the Kid can get to his college from here by public transit (bus) and from there to Beantown by bus or train, given that his college is out in the boonies. And he does travel that way frequently.

4) What's the most unusual vehicle in which you've ever traveled?

Ummmm.....not sure I've ever traveled in anything that unusual. But I have been on a submarine. Didn't get to go out to sea on it because the weather turned bad.

5) What's the next trip you're planning to take?

To NYC for the day, soon. And by train. :)