So I've been reflecting a bit in odd moments about this state of living-aloneness that I find myself in now. Between FB and blogs, I keep up with a number of clergy-moms* and I find myself thinking about how hard it is to balance it all, especially in this wow-it's-busier-than-Christmas week, this week during which (beginning with Palm Sunday and ending today) I presided over 13 services and prepared 7 sermons, among other things. And I'm surprisingly torn in how I feel about it.
I have, after all, been in the single parenting shoes. For most of my parenting years--as a student, as a professor, as a student again, and then as a priest. I KNOW the kind of tight-rope walking that is required to do-it-all, even if you can't ever really do-it-all. I have less experience (sadly, far less) doing it with a spouse/partner. It's tough, either way.
And so I find myself thinking how much easier it is since I only have myself to think about on the home front--no one else's schedule to consider, no one else's meals or laundry or needs to worry about. If I need to stay at work until 10:00 pm to finish bulletins after the Maundy Thursday service, well, who will know the difference? And if I find a morning when I can sleep just a half hour later to prepare myself for the marathon that is Holy Week, I'm not throwing anyone else out of sync.
On the other hand, this week, more than most since I've embarked on living alone, I've missed having someone else around. The mere presence of someone else to keep me grounded, to make me go home at a reasonable hour because there is someone there who needs me or who cares if I'm there. Selfishly perhaps, I've wished more than once this week that there was someone else to get groceries, to make sure there was dinner cooked when I got home late, just to say "glad you're home."
After the last service today, the marathon run (successfully, I might add), the bulletins recycled, the lights out, the door locked, I needed a nap more than anything. And I took one--a long one, grateful that I didn't need to worry about dinner for anyone. But at the same time, I missed my kids, I missed family, I wished for eggs to dye and hunt, and dinner to eat together, and a collective wow-we-made-it-through-the-week sigh of relief.
It really is a double-edged sword.
*truth be told, this applies to academic moms, too, in a different context; really any working-outside-the-home moms
3 comments:
Happy Easter, RDM.
I'm all sorts of conflicted about the family growing up and the realization that the only person in charge of how my life is going to be from now on is me! (And I have an "other," but this is still true. And daunting.)
I hear you. hope you're getting hugs somewhere.
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