Twenty years ago

this past Thursday I graduated from college.

In the grand scheme of things, 20 year anniversaries of college graduations are not all that noteworthy. For me, however, graduating from college was a significant milestone, coming as it did 16 years after I graduated from high school.

I've told bits and pieces of my college story here before, I think, but never the whole story of how I went back to school. I always expected to go to college, although I had no idea of what I wanted to do or be when I grew up, and no one ever encouraged me to think of being anything other than a wife and mother--if anything, my mother and my sister always pointed out why I couldn't possibly do anything I considered. (As an aside, I did very well in high school, and later I spent several years angry and resentful because NO ONE--not my parents, not my teachers, not my guidance counselors--encouraged me to apply for scholarships or to think about career possibilities, but I finally got over it). At any rate, mostly for financial reasons I went to the local state college for a year after graduation while my high school boyfriend went through Navy boot camp and training in electronics. I loved my classes, but I was horribly lonely because not only was my boyfriend gone, but all but one of my friends had gone away to school, and the friend who didn't go got married instead. Since I lived at home instead of on campus I never felt like I was part of college life.

At any rate, the high school bf and I married a year after graduation and I dropped out of school. Since he was in the Navy we moved around a couple of times before ending up in Iceland where Elder Son was born. By the time I turned 30 we were living in the south and I had two more babies, LD#1 and LD#2. As much as I loved having babies, it was a challenging time. TFoMC was serving on a submarine by that time, so I was a solo mom for three months at at time (three months at sea followed by three months at home, such was the life of a submariner).

Around the time I turned 30 I began to be depressed. I wasn't happy and I didn't know what to do. I remember vividly waking up on my 30th birthday and crying because I didn't know what to do with my life. I'd always wanted to go back to school, but it seemed impossible. Until I read in the paper about scholarships the local college offered for people who wanted to go back to school. The scholarship would pay for one class, as much to build confidence as anything else. So without telling anyone I applied and received one, and found a friend from church who would babysit while I went to class.

I was so excited, but my husband was furious that I had done this without telling him. Nonetheless I registered for a class, and nervously went back to school. And LOVED it. Seriously loved it, and did well. The next semester I took out a loan and took two classes, and decided that I wanted to go full time the next year, which created more friction in my marriage. To be completely honest, there were other problems as well--we'd married too young and now I was changing and he was away a lot and it was hard.

I started classes full time the next fall, and that same fall TFoMC and I separated--yeah, now I was a full time student AND a full time single mother. My mother tried to convince me that I couldn't keep going to school, but honestly what were the alternatives? I couldn't have gotten a decent job with no degree and no experience. So I took out more loans and got some scholarships and went to school and worked very hard to be both student and mother. I made friends. I found mentors who encouraged me to think about grad school. I did well. And I graduated right on time, twenty years ago with a 4.0 gpa.

Somewhere I have a video of graduation. Graduation was outside under the big live oaks in front of the oldest building on campus. We wore white dresses--yes very old fashioned, but kind of fun--and the guys wore tuxes. My kids (ages 6, 9, and 12) were in the front row with my parents and my mil (who remained my friend). I got a standing ovation when it was my turn to get my diploma and the President announced that I was "first honor graduate" and in the video you can hear my kids yelling. It was awesome.

Going back to school was for me about so much more than just getting a degree--it was about finding myself, facing my identity crisis and reclaiming my self-confidence, something I had lost somewhere along the line. In some ways, I guess these are things most college students do, but maybe I appreciate the significance of what I did more because of when I did it. I went on to grad school, taught for a while, and then went to seminary--but even with all that I can hardly believe that 20 years have gone by.