Maybe it was just a coincidence that it was two days before Mother's Day when my mother called me. My mother has called me maybe two times in the last 18 months, and I'm not sure what to expect when she does, so when I saw her number on the caller id I immediately had a sinking feeling--which is sad, actually. She had news-- she is moving into a retirement home in the city where my sister lives in a few weeks--not quite a nursing home yet because she will have a studio apartment, but a nursing home is part of the complex. I'd heard rumors that this might be coming from Elder Son, so I wasn't totally surprised. My mother is almost 80, and she has osteoporosis and arthritis and heart problems, and getting around was getting to be a problem for her. She's been alone in a big house since my dad died five years ago, probably longer than she should have been.
Those of you who have been reading here for a while may recall that my mother and I have a difficult relationship. I haven't had a real conversation with her since Christmas of 2005 (a call chronicled here)--I call her on her birthday and holidays, but we don't really have a conversation because there are very few things we can talk about without her getting upset with me. So it's mostly a "how are you?" kind of conversation and she never wants to stay on the phone long.
Today was no different. She wanted to tell me she was moving and to tell me that if I wanted anything from the house I should let her know. I know this is a loaded conversation because she has brought it up before. I mentioned one or two things I'd like, and predictably she had reasons why that might not be okay. And then she had to go.
Even in a brief conversation, the subtext is always there. I haven't been part of the conversations my sister and brother have been having about my mother's future because I'm not involved, and I'm not involved because I'm the bad daughter, the one who lives far away and doesn't stay in touch, the one who is selfish and who is too liberal and not a caring person. I get it. The message hasn't changed much over the last 10-15 years. And I'm willing to accept responsibility for some of it. I don't go back to visit. I don't call often. I don't because it's too painful--for both of us. I spent years of my life trying to please my mother and although there were a few years when I thought we could get along fairly well, I know that I will never please her.
It makes me sad. It makes me sad, but I don't know how to fix it. Being around her, or evem talking with her on phone is like navigating a minefield--one misstep and there's a huge blowup but there are no signs to help you avoid that misstep.
As for my mother's things--truly, there are a few things that I would like to have, and that she's told me over the years that would be mine--my grandmother's silver, my mother's wedding china, a quilt that she made. It's not really about the stuff, though--I have plenty of stuff. It's about the connections, the attachment, the family ties. It's about being part of something bigger than just me. It would mean something to me to have something of my mother's, something of her mother's. But I honestly don't know if I can jump through all the hoops, navigate through that minefield, or if I should even try.
Maybe it was just coincidence that she called when she did. But our conversation was the lens through which I saw Mother's Day this year. And it was definitely out of focus.
11 comments:
(o)
(((Rev DR Mom)))
I'm sorry that things are hard with your mother. Things are hard with my mother too. I appreciate your honesty about not knowing how to fix it. I think that is what I beat myself up about the most - here I am headed towards the priesthood and I can't even figure out how to have a decent relationship with my own mother. Sigh. Thanks for sharing your story - it makes me feel less alone.
(o)
I totally identify with wanting to feel the connections, the being a part of something bigger than just yourself. For awhile, when my grandmother was become increasingly frail and it was clear that I was going to lose that connection, I got really into doing genealogy and family history. It did give me a sense of belonging to something larger than myself. But eventually I gave it up. Too much sadness in those old family histories -- it wasn't helping me orient myself to the world in any useful way.
Did you see this stunning piece on Mother's Day?
Oh, my. What you say about your relationship with your mother is so like my relationship with my mother. Distance, disappointment, hurt... I think there are more of us out there in this situation than we may realize.
Still, it's hard.
Luckily I have friends (and family) who can remind me that even if I don't have that perfect mother-daughter relationship with my mother, I am still a good person and a good mother to my kids. You are, too.
((o))
I am so sorry.
Hi Rev. Dr. Mom, I totally empathize with you about your relationship with your mom. I too have had a difficult one with my mother. Remember, it's not you causing this. You might try not listening to what she's saying, but thinking about where it's coming from. Did she have a difficult relationship with her mother? Could it be that you remind her too much of herself or the self she wants to deny? Could she be jealous of your achievements? Any mother would be proud to have you as her daughter. Once I realized that my parents are damaged people as well as parents, I began the process of forgiving them. Your mother must be damaged as well.
((((Rev Dr Mom))))
Hmmm...my comment from yesterday seems to have been eaten up.
I know that many of us have complex and difficult relationships with parents, but from the outside, it is so difficult to understand. Who wouldn't be proud of a daughter like you?
But that doesn't stop the hurt for what you don't have.
Hugs.
(o)
(0)
Late to the party...great post...many hugs.
Post a Comment