I have a shaky relationship with Christmas. As much as I love the holiday in some ways, I mostly characterize myself as a scrooge, and it's largely because I've had some emotionally rough Christmases in the past, and I am somewhat estranged from my family. This year just added another entry to the list of not so great Christmas memories. I called my mother on Christmas afternoon to wish her a Merry Christmas, and our conversation managed to deteriorate into another huge argument. No, I'm not a teenager, I'm an adult in middle age with four grown or almost grown children of my own. You'd think we'd be past this stage, my mother and I. But sadly it seems that we may never move beyond it.
I should be used to this now. It's been happening on a semi-regular basis for most of my adult life, but it's become more frequent lately. The content of these blow-ups varies, but the format is always the same. We start out having what I think is a reasonable conversation; at some point I express an opinion about something, my mother disagrees and she is off and running. Her rant always works around to how selfish/uncaring/stupid/un-understandable I am. Since I started the process towards holy orders she's like to throw in unpastoral and not worthy of being a priest as well. And I am supposed to sit there and hear exactly what she thinks without replying--and if I do try to say anything she'll just hang up on me.
I've gone over and over in my head what I said yesterday, and while I know I can't be truly objective about this, I don't think I was being argumentative or pushy or controversial. In the grand scheme of things, what we were talking about doesn't matter all that much. It just seems like there is nothing we can talk about anymore that doesn't get her upset.
At least on piece of truth was spoken yesterday: She said, "I just don't understand you!" And my retort was, "I don't understand you either. And this is the story of my life!'' which I feel like it is, because this is such a recurring pattern. I shouldn't have said that, because it just made her madder.
I want to be understanding of my mother; she's in pain from her arthritis and osteoporosis, she misses my dad since he died, maybe she's earned the right to be a bit cranky. But I come away from these conversations wondering how it is that my mother can still make me feel like shit, or why I let her make me feel that way. I wonder how to resolve the discrepancy between the way she sees me and the way I way I think I am, and I wonder if the me she seems to see is the "real" me--am I just fooling the people who seem to actually like me? I wonder how much of what I've done in my life that I am proud of is over compensation, trying to win her approval, and how I can still be the "black sheep" in the family. I've worked so hard over the years to be "me"--to figure out who that me is, to live in a way that reflects my values (values, by the way, that I think I learned in my family so why are they so out of sync with the family now?). I've spent time in therapy over mother issues, and I thought I had a better handle on this, but today it feels raw, it hurts. Do we ever get over wanting our mothers to approve of us? Or to like us?
My sister and brother will arrive at my mother's house today for a few days, and I'm sure my latest unreasonable attack on my mother will be rehashed. And then they will lament that I don't come home for the holidays any more.
Sigh......
How is it that families can be a source of such pain? Why is it that we hurt the people whom we should most love? I know I am not the only one with difficult family relationships, but it's especially hard at the holidays. When I hear about wonderful family gatherings other people have I just want to cry.
12 comments:
How painful.
Sending you virtual hugs ....
Amen, sister. I can get along with most people, but for some reason my relationship with my mom is the one that goes sour on a regular basis. Part of our problem is that we're very similar in many ways, including looking very much like each other, which I think gives us a weird me/not-me thing, that we're surprised when we're alike and we're surprised when we're different and we never know quite which it's going to be.
Anyway, hugs and empathy to you. And Merry Christmas.
Rev Dr Mom, my mother has been dead for 12 years, and I still get the treatment from her in my dreams--and that despite many expensive years of therapy. There are some relationships that challenge us throughout our lives, no matter how hard we work at it. In Mark's gospel, Jesus' mother and family think he's gone around the bend. I like to think you and I are in good company.
God bless you.
Rev Dr Mom, I'm not home this year either for Christmas; mostly because Thanksgiving was so rough. I feel your pain.
(((Hugs)))
Lots of empathy, being the only child and a bit of a black sheep for not making enough phone calls, not sending enough thank you notes, not remembering enough anniversaries, not wearing her veil at my wedding, for getting ordained in the first place. . .
Not that I'm still processing this or anything.
I spent years and $$$ in therapy, and hours in spiritual direction (not to mention CPE and corollary systems studies in seminary), and actually we've achieved a better relationship as I became at peace with myself more, understood the dynamics (and b/c I once hung up on my dad when he got into one of those spaces).
(I still don't always look forward to the phone calls, though).
How did you channel me without my knowing it?!
Except in my case my mother lives with me.
How is it that we can be so different than our moms -- so different in our thought processes and likes and dislikes?
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Here's my shoulder for a good cry. I hear you. My mother has been dead for nine years, and I think back at how in the end, I just agreed with her about everything so we wouldn't have arguments, and it makes me cringe.
I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me when I think that way. Then I remember that most every family has at least a little bit of that going on.
I worry that I carry that legacy into my relationship with my own children.
Songbird, thanks for reminding us about the scriptural perspective on this.
Aaarrrggghhh. Families. We love them, but sometimes we don't love what comes out of their mouths.
Oh, I'm so sorry! I never realized how lucky I am that my mom has mellowed some with age.
Grrrr. Sorry you have to go through this. I had a vaguely similar pattern with my mother--it was less that we'd argue then that every time I'd let her in my life she'd find a way to hurt me deeply. Eventually, I just stopped communicating with her at all, and now we haven't spoken in almost 5 years. Not that I'm suggesting that to you, but it has definitely been the right thing in my life.
Hope future Christmases improve.
sorry to hear this, and sympathise entirely - this is me and my mum. She phoned Christmas eve to say she was off somewhere and not to bother to call :(
I'm 46 and still cry :(
and oh yeah in her eyes I'll never been good enough to be a pastor :(
I am so sorry to hear about this RevDrMom. And like so many others here, I completely understand.
It's not my mom, however. She died 14 years ago and was so good to me. It's my oldest sister. She ripped into me the other night because I want to go visit my dad who is very ill in another city.
It's so hard when someone who "should" see the best in you, gets stuck in some ridiculous notion of who they think you are.
I am so sending you hugs today. (((hugs)))
Oh...that is so hard, when now should be a time of unclouded joy as your priesting approaches...Can't comment on the relationship thing,as my mum died when I was 18 (which was a VERY long time ago now)but I can and do send my best love and sympathetic hugs.
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